


Among Space

by elena_stidham



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moving In Together, Moving On, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:20:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elena_stidham/pseuds/elena_stidham
Summary: Perhaps, this is a diary.Based on true events. Written as therapy.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 1
Kudos: 75





	Among Space

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS FOR: Language 
> 
> SONGS USED TO GET IN THE MOOD: Various lo-fi playlists on YouTube
> 
> I wrote this as therapy based on true events. This is probably my last Banana Fish fic. 
> 
> My twitter and tumblr is elenastidham. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> -Elena

**Day One. The New Day.**

Nobody told him that relief was the hardest part.

He knows, rationally, that he’s escaped. He knows that nobody can hurt him, but he’s still scared. He’s still absolutely petrified that he’ll be _found._ If they know where he is – if they found out where he is, he will absolutely be hurt again. He will for sure be hurt _worse._

Travelling to a new place brings him comfort, but it’s still terrifying.

Eiji does his best to help Ash through these horrible thoughts he’s having. He understands exactly where these fears are coming from, so he’s doing his best to help him through this first night in Izumo.

The first night was by far one of the worst. Ash is not sure what he’s feeling. He knows that he’s safe, but that does not shake away the absolute horror of feeling _unsafe._ These feelings will come in waves with Eiji.

He’ll have these bursts of anxiety and then bursts of peace. He can’t control when they come and what activates them. They just come, and he has to ride them out and hope that the ever growing tightness in his chest will leave him alone. He wants to be left alone, more than anything, but he knows that it’s not safe for him to be isolated like that.

But he has Eiji – for the love of god, he has Eiji. Throughout this whole process Ash had learned who he truly has on his side, and he is honoured, above all else, that Eiji is the first one that’s right there every morning, and will stay there alongside him every night – then everything in-between.

Eiji’s doing his best, but he can only ever do his best.

Ash can’t describe just how much it hurts to be alive right now. He can’t explain it in words or even in broken sobs echoing down the apartment hallway. It hurts. It more than hurts. He wants to be left for dead and then wake up in somebody else’s afterlife.

But that’s not happening.

Has to remind himself that he is not powerless or weak. He belongs to no one and his kindness will only go as far as the deserving – and the deserving is right there. His abuse does not define him and the people that hurt him have no power over him anymore, no matter what he tries to think.

He’s alive. He’s here. He’s away. He’s safe. He’s in bed. He has this luxury that he hasn’t felt since he was a small child – and it’s just a matter of learning to live in his own skin again, to learn what home feels like once more.

He’ll learn this, all in home.

**Day Two. Snowing Shrine.**

One of Eiji’s old friends invited them both last minute to his wedding that evening; so, as an idea for taking Ash’s mind somewhere else, they agreed to go.

Little did they both know was just how much Ash’s mind needed this somewhere else. It wasn’t just any somewhere else, either. It was a somewhere else that took him so far away from his own life, a somewhere else that kept him around joy and happiness and people that he loved and people that cared about him. 

It was during one particular dance – with Eiji drunkenly singing Wannabe, where Ash stops caring about if he’s found. It was like a switch in his brain and suddenly he hopes they know where he is, so they can’t do anything.

So they feel powerless for once.

But literally seconds later, he remembers that he’ll have to leave this wedding and go home. His chest pangs, and he’s struck with a paralysing fear once again of being found. Of being tortured once more.

Then he remembers that his abusers are gone from his life forever – this isn’t a problem anymore. He doesn’t have to be afraid. They have no power. They have no power. They have no power. _They have no power—_

When they’re back home that night, there’s a weight that had been pummelled off his chest.

He can’t explain it well enough, but he needed that. He needed that so badly. The night was fun and fantastic and despite having to leave early he had a moment where he came to terms with himself.

He made it so far.

He made it so far, god damn it, and he should be proud of himself for that. He never let himself be proud of anything he had done, and he should be. With everything that happened and with everything he had overcome, being proud of himself is the _least_ he could do for himself at this rate.

He realised that despite whatever happens, there will be days like this, and the days like this will remind him that everything is going to be okay.

It’s going to be okay, because he’s going to _make_ it okay. He never realised just how much control his has over his life – and he had it in him the whole fucking time.

**Day Three. Amazing Grace.**

Despite the worry of entrapment, there’s this blanketed feeling of closure. Of relief. Because now he knows, for sure, that he won’t be bothered anymore. When new things come, it stresses him the fuck out, but then it’s fine, because Eiji is there.

Eiji is there and his voice like music, as calming as a song on vinyl.

But Eiji? He’s angry. He’s absolutely enraged. The amount of horror Ash had to go through is nothing short of awful and unacceptable yet he has to hide this fury for the sake of Ash. Nobody should have to go through what he had to go through, and to think that such evil exists in the world fills him with a disgust he can’t quite place.

But with Ash, there’s no rage towards him. There’s not an ounce of anger and he would rather rip his own arms off before he makes any indication of being upset in such a way. But what’s harder to hide is his sadness – his worry – the overflowing amount of _useless_ that he feels when he remembers that he can’t protect Ash the way that he wants to. He wants to save him, he wants to take away this anxiety, but he knows that he just has to be there. There’s only so much he can do.

And for Ash, that’s enough.

**Day Four. Blank.**

He’s losing passion and just numb overall.

Ash’s body is shutting down after so much abuse for so long that he just needs to recharge and take care of himself.

The exhaustion isn’t new. He can’t describe the countless nights where he practically collapses from exhaustion when he would come back to Shorter’s apartment. What is a new feeling, however, is homesickness. He misses his mother. He misses his brother. He misses his family and Cape Cod and he had never felt this so terribly before.

He wants his mom. More than anything right now he just wants his mom. He can’t explain why, but this homesickness is manifesting itself in a way where he wants to just curl up in her arms while she runs her fingers through his hair. This had never happened, but a part of him wonders if it would happen if she was around. He wonders what it’s like to have a mom, but he channels his homesickness in a way into how he loves Eiji.

He doesn’t know what to do anymore, but he knows what he feels.

**Day 42. Tablecloth Lilies.**

For once in his life, Ash is so happy to be alive.

He’s calm, he’s awake, he’s patient with himself – above all things he’s perfectly fine. After Eiji’s multiple suggestions, he had decided to seek therapy, which included starting a medication and taking basic self care extremely seriously.

It’s a damn hazard having to navigate his brain so that way he could rewire it, but at this point he’s learned what to do. He’s able to talk himself down. Despite everything that happened, he knows now rationally that he’s the one in control of his life and that nobody can hurt him anymore.

The people that hurt him are nothing to him. The people that hurt him will burn in their own misery. The people that hurt him are gone from his life forever.

So now, he moves onward.


End file.
